First day of Pain

Right now, in my heart, there is this numbness. To be frank, the sorrow simply felt so sour in me that I really do not want to continue thinking about anything; do not want to do anything more in life. Well, how do I continue from here? There is simply no way I can continue to move on. My brain tells me that I should just move forward but my heart simply refuses to step out the first step.

I have this dream of having a beautiful home with the one I love. In this home, there is only beautiful memories and no matter how bad the outside world is, I can always find warmth in it. Stupid right? Well, many people around me find it stupid. At this age, it should be all about fun and enjoyment. Why would anyone want to tie yourself down when you are still so young? I used to ignore them mainly because I believed I had found the one I truly love and strongly believed that she feels the same way too.

Now, all this is shattered. It will never ever be fulfilled in life. The reason for me to work so hard is all gone. Why do I took the path of having to study and work at the same time? Well, because I wish to earn more money and have a head start in my career when I graduate. Why do I studied so hard for? Well, because I seriously want to bridge the gap betwen the two of us. Why do I take every step forward so carefully? Well, because I would want to ensure that we would have a good and nice life ahead.

Sadly, the reason I worked so hard is gone. Of course, there is my mom and my family and all those people around me. I worked hard for them too, wanting to give them a better life. However, what lost now is the greatest reason for me to move forward. I know it is stupid for me to let go and give up everything in life now just for a forsaken love. I know all that. I am rational enough to know that it would be worthless giving up everything now, knowing that no one would symphatise me if I do so. I guess I just lost the courage to move forward again.

Trying hard to switch my direction and life somewhere else. Where can I turn to now since my hope of life is shattered? I tried to put all the hate on her. I tried to make it feel as if I am not in the wrong and it is her fault for everything. Stupid right? I felt the same way too. How can I go about to think of that about her? I cannot bear to. It takes more than just the two of us to do all that. I knew she tried very hard to make this love work. I guess it just turned out that we do not belong together at all.

I think the first step is to promise myself: Never to put my heart into a relationship anymore. Let's stop believing that fairy tale endings do not belong in my life. Hopefully, I would be able to find my new direction soon. I do not know where it would come from but yah, hopefully I would find it soon...