Well, I guess what everyone said is right. Till this date, I had not done anything at all in life which is worth talking about. I guess putting my heart in one place and working so hard in a relationship is a grave mistake for me. In the end, I am still alone here.
I am trying hard to recover from this pain but perhaps, the thought of realizing that this 5 years of effort had gone down to the drain simply makes me feel very painful. I guess learning the hard truth is never easy. I do not wish to think about how she is going on with her live. Is she leading a better life now? Is she feeling as miserable as me? I do not dare to venture on to find the answer as I know that no matter what the answer is, I would feel miserable when I know it.
Sometimes, I do worry about her well-being, worried if she is coping well and handling all her problems well. Or, perhaps, someone else is capable of doing it better than I used to. No matter how hard I wish to know, I guess I really have to learn how to curb this feeling as it would only make me feel more miserable.
Preparing to go for Dragon Boating now. After so many gruelling workouts this week to tire me out, I finally feel my body giving way. My back is aching and my muscles are sore. However, I am determined not to back down just because of all this. At least, it is a good way for me to release all this unhappiness...
Battered and Hurt...
A Game of Pool...
A game of pool suddenly strucked me. I lost. I lost to a solid friend who always stood by me no matter what happens. The punch simply woke me up from things and soon, I began to realize, after such a long time, at the age of 24, I had nothing. Today, I realized that I was bare with nothing in life which I can boast about. Simply, I had to say, I do not have any achievements in life which I can use to boast about and make the people around me proud.
This realization made me wonder of my thinking, philosophy in life and my attitude towards things in life. Am I wrong? Am I wrong to believe that working hard for things and leading a no-nonsense life is going to lead me anywhere to success? Am I wrong to believe that planning in life is important and showing discipline towards the plan will be the correct way of life.
I had always been a planning person, wary and cautious about very little step that I make. Today, my planning and the discipline to follow it hurt me. Now, I have nothing. After all those careful thoughts and movements, I fell into a big trap which lays just in front of me. I got stuck and forced myself to break free. In the process, I got hurt.
Sharing my life and what I have in life with someone else had always been the greatest happiness I had ever felt. Today, this happiness hurt me real deep. Well, no point looking back at the past. Moving forward is my only option in life and no matter how unwilling I am, I am going to move forward. A positive note though, I did not owe anything to anyone nor have any regrets...
A nice day in general. Slowly, I am used to being life with only myself alone.... Learning...
The Real Test Ahead...
Well, after 3 days of working, today is my Off Day which I usually would use to do my school work and things as such. All I can say is that being busy does help me release my soul from the painful memories although an occasional flashback could not be helped. I survived those minor scares but now, it is the real thing. Today, I am going to have alot more time to think about things; a lot more things to remind me of the past.
Determination is all I would need and I would do all I could to garner enough for me to past through today. Going to keep myself occupied with all sorts of things today. Gym with Samuel, Jamming my Guitar, taking Driving lessons. Hopefully, all this are enough...
Changing my Perspective of Life...
Learning to let go of things and see things from a perspective of life. In life, I guess many of us had seen a lot of wierd things in life and well, I guess I must say that this event has totally changed my perspective of things. Today, all I can say is that I am simply too naive to believe that in this world, as long as you throw in your heart, others will do that too.
Zhi Zhuo, thanks for showing me one side of life in which I had never seen in my life. I guess if I never explore, I would never know what it would be like to see the darker side of things. Sometimes, darker need not mean that life is not brighter. In the past, sharing my life and my everything to a person just do not seemed to let me get back what I expected to get.
However, he is right that everyone has a reason for everything they do. Sometimes, there is no need for us to really know the real reason. If a person is all out to leave you, he or she would give you all sorts of reason which sometimes never make sense. Why go on to find and investigate to know the real reason when the truth will hurt even more? Why go on to pester a person if the person is finding all ways to leave you to look for greener pastures in life?
Well, thanks for telling me that in life, it is always better for people to be selfish. In reality, it sounds only right that you would be able to look after others only when yourself is looked after thoroughly. I guess I was really naive to share every bit of my life and everthing that I have with someone else. I really have to learn to stop giving. I am very much determined to do so.
Whatever lies ahead of my future, no one will ever know. Not me, not him, not her nor anyone else in this world. Only exploring the life ahead would find the real answer ahead of me. Now, I will make sure that my heart will never be bared to a person anymore. It is going to be shut so tight, I am sure I would never be hurt by love anymore.
I guess, this event has really stucked me real hard. Like what many had said, it is impossible to heal this wound and scar in life since it is so deep and painful. The only thing this scar can do now is to remind me that it never pays to treat someone the way I did. The way I love people is wrong. This scar would always remind me that being a good guy never pay in this world.
I would be looking for a way out. From now on, I am going to do what I can to change everything in my life. However, I am not going to say what my plans are for me since I do not even know what lies ahead. However, one thing for sure is, I am going to change totally to a person which is totally different from the me today. I can feel the transformation coming and I would have to in order to bring that painful scar away from my heart.
A broken bond has no Winners...
How could it be ever possible to remove something in your life when you find it in every corner and everything that you do? Everything you can think of, there is a relation or connection with her. My clothes are all bought by her; My table is full of gifts by her; Everywhere I go, there is a memory of her around. Anything I see here, I would always think about her.
Well, the truth is that she is not here anymore, much like losing a kin who has always been there for you for years; a kin who shares every single thing you have in your life. Now, I am all alone here on my own and it is of course upsetting. My life all this years is so strongly connected with her and to break this bond is almost impossible. Sometimes, I really wish I would suffer from Amnesia and forget about all this things.
Life at my side is painful and I know it would never be easy for her. Her life is as strongly connected to mine and we suffer the same fate. Well, at the end of the day, there is no such thing as a winner or a loser in a relationship like this. In this case, we are both losers. We lost someone who meant so much in our lives. I know that this seperation is good for the two of us and I know she knows it too. She is definitely stronger than me and should be able to walk out of this faster than me.
What is she doing? I thought... But I know my care and concern will only makes it difficult for everyone...
First day of Pain
Right now, in my heart, there is this numbness. To be frank, the sorrow simply felt so sour in me that I really do not want to continue thinking about anything; do not want to do anything more in life. Well, how do I continue from here? There is simply no way I can continue to move on. My brain tells me that I should just move forward but my heart simply refuses to step out the first step.
I have this dream of having a beautiful home with the one I love. In this home, there is only beautiful memories and no matter how bad the outside world is, I can always find warmth in it. Stupid right? Well, many people around me find it stupid. At this age, it should be all about fun and enjoyment. Why would anyone want to tie yourself down when you are still so young? I used to ignore them mainly because I believed I had found the one I truly love and strongly believed that she feels the same way too.
Now, all this is shattered. It will never ever be fulfilled in life. The reason for me to work so hard is all gone. Why do I took the path of having to study and work at the same time? Well, because I wish to earn more money and have a head start in my career when I graduate. Why do I studied so hard for? Well, because I seriously want to bridge the gap betwen the two of us. Why do I take every step forward so carefully? Well, because I would want to ensure that we would have a good and nice life ahead.
Sadly, the reason I worked so hard is gone. Of course, there is my mom and my family and all those people around me. I worked hard for them too, wanting to give them a better life. However, what lost now is the greatest reason for me to move forward. I know it is stupid for me to let go and give up everything in life now just for a forsaken love. I know all that. I am rational enough to know that it would be worthless giving up everything now, knowing that no one would symphatise me if I do so. I guess I just lost the courage to move forward again.
Trying hard to switch my direction and life somewhere else. Where can I turn to now since my hope of life is shattered? I tried to put all the hate on her. I tried to make it feel as if I am not in the wrong and it is her fault for everything. Stupid right? I felt the same way too. How can I go about to think of that about her? I cannot bear to. It takes more than just the two of us to do all that. I knew she tried very hard to make this love work. I guess it just turned out that we do not belong together at all.
I think the first step is to promise myself: Never to put my heart into a relationship anymore. Let's stop believing that fairy tale endings do not belong in my life. Hopefully, I would be able to find my new direction soon. I do not know where it would come from but yah, hopefully I would find it soon...
A Really Sad Day...
As mentioned in a famous proverb, "Once bitten twice shy..."
Today, I continued the great saying, "Twice Bitten, Never ever put your hand near it again..."
It took me great courage to stand up again last year. Back then, I have only myself to blame for what had happened. Well, my temper lost everything I owned and I am really determined to change it. I gave it all up. I decided that there is no point in trying so hard as I had lost it totally. Well, sad to say, God gave me another opening. Another time for me to prove that I can still earn everything back to me. All those that once belonged to me. Well, I guess all this is only another joke. A reminder to tell me that I should not step my toes into this anymore.
This time, I did all I could. All I could with all my might. It just did not work out. After throwing everything I had to hold on to that only chance which God gave me, it still slipped away from me just like that. It really hurts. Much more than the other time this happened. I tried everything I could to make her feel secured, fulfilled and complete. Fulfilling everything she wants and everything she needs in life is still not enough.
Today, the truth is out. No matter what I could do, she'd still want an out. I guess no matter how much I'd want to be in her life, there is no way I could let myself stand at her way and stop her from moving on. It would be too selfish of me. From now, it will be on my own, all on my own...
I will continue to work hard but then, who would be there to share my dreams and thoughts with me? My dream of having a nice family is all shattered. It will never be and I guess there are things in life which will never ever meant to be. But then, if your greatest wish in your life is taken away from you, what's there to work hard for?
Disgusting food...
Portion
The portion suddenly remind me of my days in the TAF Club (A club for Obesed...). Upsetting to the max! It is really sad to see that the portion is so small other than a normally huge amount of mee sua. The vegetables? It is sad to find such misers who give me 3 tiny little strands of green boiled vegetables! As for the fish, there is only a few slices of it in the soup. Upon seeing it, I am really feeling that the person treat me like an Idiot who fail mathematics.
Taste
As described, there are a few awards awarded to this stall, I guess the expectation of the food should be rather high. I am expected to change my view of the stall when I eat their food but then, it only increased my determination to tell people more about them. The soup taste like plain water with lots of pepper, the fist taste like protein with some fats dangling all over the place. The mee sua is overcooked, it taste like flour. The only thing that taste like what it is supposed to be is the chilli sauce. Disappointment to the max!
Look at the amount of vegetables they serve!
I settle them in less them 2 bites...
After being a victim for Branded Food cheaters, I am very determined to ensure that people do not suffer my fate anymore! The stall is at Bukit Timah Food Centre, the one near the Shell Petrol Station and Pei Hwa Presbyterian Primary School. The stall is a Fish Porridge stall just up the stairs, next to a Drink Stall. Once again, DO NOT patron them! It is not worth a single cent!
Operation Spring Cleanng!
A painful and disatrous look...Finally, after a long battle, my new desk look like this!
The fruit of my Labour!
An Exciting Week!
What a week! The week is about to end but I must say that this had been one of the most exciting week I had all year long. Well, partly, having my birthday falling in this week does spice up a little but then a series of events happening had truly created much excitement in it.
Monday was a simple and normal working day. Stayed in Pasir Laba Camp for work and as usual, the work never seemed to end. Despite being busy at work, I guess some positives can be drawn from it. If there is no work, I would have been jobless! After the work, me and Glenda met up at Clementi for an Early Birthday Celebrations...
The celebration began with a meal at Botak Jones in Clementi. The serving is huge! As usual, we could not finish everything. I guess age has really caught up with us and we no longer have that huge appetite like before. The food was nice but then the serving and high calories does have a sinful side in the story. With our bloated stomach, we went on to have a stroll, before we board the bus to Orchard.
A long way down the road. Although everything just seemed so tiring, it was a happy ride. Soon, we landed ourselves n Orchard and began to start walking around. I am looking for Sun Shades and decided to try out all sorts of brands in various stalls. Tried a few brands but then I still like the Oakley Radar in which I am aiming for.
After that, we decided to proceed to N.Y.D.C for a simple "cake" cutting ceromony. As described, the whole thing was a simple one. As we are still suffering from the bloatness of the Post-Botak Jones meal, we chose not to order too big a portion. Therefore, a small little Mud Pie will do; I seriously do not wish to add anymore calories for the day. Glenda is pretty thoughtful. She broke up her presents into three gifts. From the design of the wrapper, I guess she might had placed a lot of effort in it as everything is customized. 
In the end, I got myself a few cool presents in them- A cap, a toy and a little "Panda" bank. Well, the funny thing here is that everything is black and white. Well, pandas are... They look really nice. By the way, thanks Glenda for the celebrations. Do not need to worry about it being simple and not elaborated. I really appreciate all that!
Wednesday, my Birthday. Ha! Well, no major surprises though and everything is simple and worse of all, my day is so hectic as I reported to office for work and then ended up in PLC as there is a presentation on that day. Well, it is rather pissing though, needing to work so hard on your birthday. Sigh... However, things did not turn out so bad. The presentation was rather smooth and everything seemed acceptable for the Customers. Well, I guess the birthday luck does help in a way or two...
Had a real cool meal at Sakae Sushi with my best colleague in office. Well, Oon is the best you can ever get. Cute, jokeable, funny and most important of all, helpful. Well, he is a real solid eater I must say. This guy live to eat fully man! Well, I am still very convinced that 17 plus plates of sushi and other things like tempura is still not fulling for him. Well, for the first time, I saw the prowess of Oon. He is a man made for eating! Well, his size said it all!
In addition to that, he is the only person I had ever seen who handle a Sakae Sushi feedback form with such close attention. He gave every rating truefully and gave a lousy rating for the music. Well, the music is pretty bad as the volume is simply unhearable! In the end, I have to say this colleague of mine is really cool and helpful as he never fails to put in all his effort in whatever he do. Although sometimes many would complain about his work, I would say that his effort he put 
in for whatever he does is second to none!
That day, I splurged for myself with quite a few stuff. Ha! A cool 2-litre water bottle from Guardian. I just love it man! It is so huge, it can simply feel the consumption I would need for the whole day. And the best part of it, I would always remember to keep myself hydrated at all times! Finally my quest for a gigantic water bottle comes to a beautiful end!
In addition to that, I also bought for Glenda a bottle of Nail Polisher. You know, from those Tai Tai stalls where people put a lot of thinner on their fingers. Well, I am still feeling the awkwardness of being in a place totally dominant by females. A male intruder to their privacy somehow made them give me a wierd attitude. Well, those are not for me! The hostility and wierdness they bring me is rather scary at times.
Thursday was a rather exciting day. I sold all my computer parts to someone else at a near price. However, need to be careful as some of the parts may be spoilt when I sold it to him. Well, a nice guy in general. I hope he would not feel upset if any of them is not working. I am willing to pay him back...
Went gym with Samuel and Benjamin. Well, this two cool guys just doesn't seemed to stop for a moment. Well, I guess it is always good to have someone as crazy for fitness like Samuel as your neighbour. It takes alot of determination to maintain a tough workout and with him pushing me, it does makes it alot easier. After a simple meal at the Food Centre, I went on to further pamper myself with a Bluetooth Earpiece.
Sigh, I am suppose to enter and buy the cheapest earpiece i can find there (Which cost 48 dollars) and ended up buying something 3 times the price! Well, I guess this one is so much better. I have to convince myself that the additional functions and the inclusion of a charger makes it a worthwhile deal. Moreover, it is a bluetooth earpiece that allows me to listen to music through it! Let's not think too much about it!
To conclude Thursday in the most exciting manner possible, I recieved my results at night! After such a long wait due to inefficient working people and Organizations, I finally recieved my results after so long! Gladly, I managed to squeeze myself through with some good grades!
3As and a stupid C means I managed to scrape through for 1st Class Honours after a gruelling Second Year of studying. Now, the whole focus is going to be on my final year where six modules and a Final Year project is definitely going to make me into a Zombie soon. No matter what, I am glad to hear that my classmates all went through. At least I would still have them around to endure all this together. This degree is finally about to finish soon after this final hurdle and there is no room for anymore hiccups. All I pray for this year would just be to have good results and for everything to go through smoothly through this final year of degree.
More to come though... May everything go on well!
Dragon Boat Session...
A tiring Dragon Boat session today. The whole training begins with a simple 1.6km run and then followed by Sea Exercise. The Dragon Boat session was simple today which consist of just rowing alone. Well, for the first time, we did some session where the begginners (we) did some stationary row in the sea. Surprisingly, it seemed like it is more difficult than first thought.
Finally, there is a first taste of how competitive rowing is like. Today, there was a simple 300m race with some other boats today. The whole competition is really tough as there is no point of relaxing. Rowing 300m at full force is no joke. Well, the good thing is that we did well by winning the mini race despite consisting of many beginners like me in the boat. What was really commendable is that most of the rowers are at middle age while the other boats are made up of people in their teens or early twenties. It all points down to one thing:- Team Work and Technique.
Well, although it is a nice event today, a small incident marred the happy day. While doing pull ups, being weak in my fitness, I was not able to do much. Just at this point of time, someone made a statement, "Been through Army, still cannot do pull ups?"
Well, of course what he said does affect my mood but then it no longer bothers me anymore. I'd just find it insulting to realize that there are people around who relates Pull Ups with Military life. To be frank, I do feel sorry for him as his knowledge in life consist of just pull ups and fitness training. To relate it with anything in life just simply shows that he has no achievements in life in which he can boast about. Well, I guess there is always such people around and I can only feel sorry for them...
Simple Week...
All this while, there is only one thing in my mind and it just simply bugged me all day long. I am stuck, I do not know what to do for my final year project. The project plays a big part in my degree and whether I would be awarded good grades is determined by the success of my project implementation and topic.
Well, I guess many people around me face the same problem where we do not know where to begin with. Sad to say, I had moved forward many times only to find myself back to where I begun as the initial ideas burst as there is similiar implementations done in the world. Now, there is one idea in mind but then I suppose it is highly tough to begin with mainly due to the in depth research required for the topics involved.
Hopefully, my idea would be acceptable soon and my supervisor would be able to guide me through the project and provide me with a proper direction ahead...
Learning to do things on my own and working hard to be independent from anyone else...
A thought in mind...
Sometimes, I really do what makes two person together. Does being romantic comes in as an important requirement in which a relationship can be maintained? If that is the case, I guess I would always be a great failure in a relationship. Well, I am a self-confessed non-interesting guy. Well, I do not go out and do romantic things like candle-lit dinner, climbing mountains and hills at night, give a romantic surprise every now and then.
To me, what really matter most in a relationship would be how to make the life of your partner more meaningful and how can you help her burden her problems. I always make it a point to ensure that I put her problems ahead, so much so that I'd forsake mine. Well, I guess my thoughts are wrong. It takes more than just providing everything she needs in life and helping her fulfil her dreams.
I guess, it takes a lot more than what I am doing to go anywhere forward; A lot more than I can afford to do so. Well, I guess looking forward without thinking about all this would be a better choice for me and for everyone else around me. Perhaps the lesson learnt here: Never show all your cards. You will never win if you do so...
Making a decision takes time but I guess if it takes too long to consider, perhaps it just meant that there is too many things pulling you back. If there is no way of releasing such held-backs, then might as well follow them all the way. The choice of moving forward may perhaps be too painful for everyone else...
A Tired Weekend and Time for Work...
It is a tiring weekend both physically and mentally and of course, some sinful events along the way which would result in a stringent diet regime for myself. Saturday was a long day for me. A long gruelling two hour session in the Gym with Wee Kiat resulted in a hard training on my chest. However, having a Dim Sum Buffet in Tong Lok does not contribute in anyway for my weight loss plans.
After the lunch, went over to Aunt Jo's place and it's really been a long time since I last saw Uncle Roger. As usual, he is still as hearty and cheerful as before. Sometimes, I really admire his determination and attitude towards life after all that has happened to me. Helped him fixed his computer and it is always nice to see him look so happy. Finally, we went to Comex around looking for good deals here and there. The day concluded with a meal and chat with Mei Yuan and Aunt Jo at the McCafe in East Coast Park.
The next day, it is my usual Dragon Boating session. I was surprised to see so many people arrived for training and for the first time, I see the boat filled up. The rowing session was as usual gruelling. This week, there is no weights training, no running, just pure rowing. However, that does not mean that it is a simple routine. The rowing session lasted for about 3 hours. And during this period of time, we performed a series of exercises like 300m sprints in 4 and with the whole group. It is fun and great to see everyone rowing so hard and see the boat moving at such great speed...
For now, back in work again. It is back to work and sadly, no good food for me for the rest of the week. A promise in which I must keep for myself after those sinful buffets...
